at 3:51 Am in the morning, I sit awake on my desk with the ugly flourescent tube-light shining over my head.
I can turn it off, and turn on my more pleasing lights,
but I don't.
This isn't some identity crisis thing, I think to myself, just an irritant.A chemically induced electrical signal, and it should pass, like everything else.
Its like a constant aching that I cant even justify, as by the end of the day, what are my trivial individual, personal, emotional, mental, gastronomical, superstitious and realistically speaking selfish and self centered problems when compared to the problems of the world.
Why so selfish?
I ask myself,
Why so self obsessed?
What am I trying to prove anyway?
and to whom?
Existence and living drags on as each day gets longer and more and more unbelievable, and all thoughts of self obsession evaporate.
Hindu mythology predicts a state of blissful mindlessness, and escape from the sorrows and cycles of life. The triviality of practically everything, and the significance of nothing
I'm really really counting on it...
Meanwhile,
I want to throw up,
I want to binge.
I want to stick my face behind the exhaust of a truck and inhale carbon monoxide
I want to drink petroleum, and light myself on fire from the inside.
I want to hide under the darkest deepest coldest cave,
I want to scream and wail of joy,
I want to laugh and rejoice of pain,
I want to run into a ditch and trip on purpose,
to shatter into a million tiny pieces,
to make peace with dust and thin air,
To graze infinity with my nose and scrape mountains with my knees
To not be able to tell where i end,
And the universe begins
To not care,
To truly Exist.
feeling and acknowledging one's problems is not selfish. devoting time and energy inwards is not selfish. only a kind of meditation.
ReplyDeletethe notions of the world's problem is largely an idea rising from our collective unconscious. it exists as a reality, but fighting it is not an outward activism, but an inner change.
what exists outside is only an amplification of what is within.
"You are not accidental. Existence needs you. Without you something will be missing in existence and nobody can replace it. That's what gives you dignity, that the whole existence will miss you. The stars and sun and moon, the trees and birds and earth - everything in the universe will feel a small place is vacant which cannot be filled by anybody except you.
This gives you a tremendous joy, a fulfillment that you are related to existence, and existence cares for you. Once you are clean and clear, you can see tremendous love falling on you from all dimensions."
osho.