at 3:51 Am in the morning, I sit awake on my desk with the ugly flourescent tube-light shining over my head.
I can turn it off, and turn on my more pleasing lights,
but I don't.
This isn't some identity crisis thing, I think to myself, just an irritant.A chemically induced electrical signal, and it should pass, like everything else.
Its like a constant aching that I cant even justify, as by the end of the day, what are my trivial individual, personal, emotional, mental, gastronomical, superstitious and realistically speaking selfish and self centered problems when compared to the problems of the world.
Why so selfish?
I ask myself,
Why so self obsessed?
What am I trying to prove anyway?
and to whom?
Existence and living drags on as each day gets longer and more and more unbelievable, and all thoughts of self obsession evaporate.
Hindu mythology predicts a state of blissful mindlessness, and escape from the sorrows and cycles of life. The triviality of practically everything, and the significance of nothing
I'm really really counting on it...
I want to throw up,
I want to binge.
I want to stick my face behind the exhaust of a truck and inhale carbon monoxide
I want to drink petroleum, and light myself on fire from the inside.
I want to hide under the darkest deepest coldest cave,
I want to scream and wail of joy,
I want to laugh and rejoice of pain,
I want to run into a ditch and trip on purpose,
to shatter into a million tiny pieces,
to make peace with dust and thin air,
To graze infinity with my nose and scrape mountains with my knees
To not be able to tell where i end,
And the universe begins
To not care,
To truly Exist.